First Kiss
by Love Out Of Lust
Summary: Ste looks back on his first kiss with Brendan and how he feels about him now. This deals with current events in the show at this moment.


It had all started with a kiss, as so many of these things do. His friends had bailed, he had told him. His whole night had been ruined. He could see it in Steven's eyes, then. Hope. Here was the barman's chance, to be something more than just the lad who pulled the drinks, who was in the background of the club. Brendan had handed him a golden opportunity - a night on the town, with him, the boss.

Most of the night was a blur in Ste's mind, a series of moving images with no cohesive order. It wasn't just the drink he consumed which robbed him of the memory. It was something about the excitement of it all - going to a club with Brendan Brady, finally feeling like an equal. Of course, he still felt stupid at times, stumbling over his words once or twice, like he was in an interview, like he was trying to impress. Which in a way, he was. But for the first time he felt like he could be himself around Brendan, instead of the nuisance which he often felt in his presence. From that first punch across the club when he had tried to blackmail him to get a job, Ste had felt in the way. Now was a chance to erase all that, to wipe the slate clean. No wonder he was excited. This was his big chance to be something like a friend to this man.

So, yes, there was the invitation to go out with him, there was the talk of a busman's holiday back at Brendan's flat. Ste even remembers hearing that he was better than Rhys, or more liked than Rhys...something to do with Rhys anyway, although it's all such a jumble now that he may have imagined it completely. But forget all that. Everything that has happened since that night, the fights, the fucks, and everything in between - it happened because of that kiss. For months afterwards, Ste blamed himself for it. Even when Brendan changed his life in that cellar, taking the crate of drinks from him without saying a word, then very slowly kissing him once, twice, three times, until suddenly it wasn't slow any longer. Even then, when he knew that some part of Brendan wanted him, he blamed himself for that kiss. Ste had instigated it, he was sure of that. Brendan had ben disgusted by it at the time. So it couldn't have been his idea. And Ste had been in the same position before, with Callum, so it had to mean something. Not that he was gay - it had only been months before the kiss that he had longed to tell Amy exactly how he felt about her. That he still loved her, even though he had long since given up the idea of anything happening between them. And then there had been the whole thing with Rae, which had stopped before it had even started, really.

But Callum stuck in his mind. Even when he had gone on a few dates with Rae, he thought about Callum, who was still in young offenders. When he was listening to her DJing or laughing at her jokes, there was a tiny voice in his head which said that he shouldn't be enjoying this, because here he was on the outside, and Callum was far away, on the inside. It hadn't been love - nothing like it. But it was enough to make Ste think that the kiss with Brendan had to be his fault, because he had wanted to kiss another man in the past, very very much.

He didn't think about that kiss so much anymore. So much had taken over his life since. He had Noah now, and the kids to think about. He had Amy to support while Leanne tried to come between her and Lee. He still saw Brendan, of course, at work. He knew that the only sensible thing to do would be to quit. He needed the money, but Noah had told him he could get him a job at Cinergy. He was tight enough with Cindy to smooth it out with her. But he loved that job. Every time he knew he should leave, something stopped him. He told himself that it was the customers he'd miss, but he knew that was rubbish. What's to miss about students who never tip, who leave their vomit in the toilets? So then he'd change tact. He'd never see Cheryl anymore if he left - they didn't exactly hang around in the same circles. He saw her a bit like the older sister he'd never had - annoying but endearing at the same time. Still he was lying to himself, though. He'd miss Cheryl, but he knew there was a good chance she'd come to the spa after a hard day's work, clad in her bikini with a chocolate coloured face pack freshly applied.

The real reason he wanted to keep that job was buried in a dark place inside him. He pushed it aside while he tried to focus on the things he knew were good for him. His family. A relationship with a guy who didn't give him a black eye. Escape from his mum and step dad, who once upon a time, he didn't think he'd ever be free of. All of these things were like air to Ste, as healthy as oxygen.

Brendan Brady was toxic to him, like poison. With him Ste lost all sense of reason, and right and wrong became blurred, as blurred as his memories of the night they first kissed. He had done things for Brendan, had said things for Brendan that shocked even himself. He had lied to Rae, had told her that everything was going to be okay, when he had just had Brendan in their bed, had tasted him, had wanted him, all of him. He had told Amy that it was over a thousand times, only to go back to Brendan a second later. No one had stood a chance if they had come between Ste Hay and Brendan Brady. They may as well have been dust.

Ste knew that Brendan would not change, _could_ not change. He knew from experience that no one can stop hitting or manipulating or destroying just like that. Brendan's broken promises, that he wished Ste would see the good in him, disappeared like vapour with each new punch, with each cruel twist to the tale. Like Amy before him, Ste had believed that it was his fault, that he had pushed Brendan too far, that love was still around the corner, if only he would stop messing up. But Amy had learnt eventually. An abuser didn't change. Not on their own. Ste had had to prove to her that he would never harm her again. First it was anger management classes, then counselling. Brendan wouldn't go for that, he knew it. Mention the word counsellign to him and Brendan would laugh in his face. Talking wasn't exactly his strongpoint.

So Ste stayed away. He went out with Noah, he held his hand in public, just in case Brendan was watching, just to let him know that he wasn't his anymore. He belonged to someone else now. And at work, where they couldn't avoid each other, Ste kept his eyes to the floor, and tried to close his ears to anything Brendan was saying. He wouldn't necessarily be talking to him. It could be anyone - Warren, Cheryl, a customer. But all Ste could think was that he had to try to ignore the words, because his voice along could turn his thoughts to rubble, leaving him with one piece of knowledge alone: I love this man.

That was the problem. Again, he could tell himself, Brendan Brady was toxic to him, like poison. Yes, that was true. They were better off without each other, and Ste would certainly be better off at Cinergy, with his boyfriend, spraying people with fake tan or whatever else they did there. But work was the one thing that still connected him to Brendan, and the thought of losing that made it hard to breath. There Brendan was again, robbing him of air. He knew this, and yet...if Brendan was his poison, and Noah his oxygen...why did he only feel alive when he was with Brendan? Truly _alive, _his heart beating loud and fast, his head buzzing, his senses alert. It was a cliche, something he saw in those terrible romantic comedies that Amy used to make him watch. But it was happening, and it was happening to him.

And it had all started with a kiss.


End file.
